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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22394632">mine, not mine - alex turcotte</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/penaltbox/pseuds/penaltbox'>penaltbox</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Men's Hockey RPF</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>College Hockey, F/M, Hockey</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-01-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-01-24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-04-28 08:56:29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,063</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22394632</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/penaltbox/pseuds/penaltbox</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>mine, not mine - alex turcotte</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>the house is packed by the time you get there and you wonder if you’ll even run into alex that night. it seems like twice as many people are there as usual which makes you just a tad bit nervous. your roommate drags you through the door anyways, knowing exactly where you both were going. </p><p>as soon as you step through the door you see him. he’s got a fake smile on as he takes a picture with a girl, his hand hovering over her hip. the sight makes you snort, making up your plan before even taking another step.</p><p>he doesn’t see you at first which is perfect. he’s just before the entryway to the kitchen so you have no choice but to slip past him. as you get closer he notices you and you can see him bite the inside of his cheek as he tries to hold back a smirk. </p><p>you just so happen to run a hand along his hip as you slide by him, a soft ‘excuse me, alex’ falling from your lips that only he can hear over the noise of the party. </p><p>you only glance back once as you head for the cooler and you see his eyes following you. the girl he’d just taken a photo with doesn’t look quite as pleased that someone had stole alex’s attention in a matter of seconds, but this wasn’t exactly your first night around him. </p><p>before you can even turn around with the can of beer you’d fished out of the cooler you feel him pressed against your back, leaning in to place a soft kiss to your jaw. </p><p>“nice of you to finally show up,” he says, his arms locking around your waist. </p><p>you lean back into him, turning your head to kiss him hard. your plan worked much quicker than you’d expected. he returns the kiss immediately, about to press it further when you pull back with a smirk. </p><p>“always a tease,” he mumbles, but you hear the laugh in it. </p><p>“good to see you too, turcotte. some of us had hickeys to cover up from last night so it took a few minutes longer than normal,” you say, your eyebrows raising as he smirks. </p><p>he turns you around in his arms then, making you face him. his hand comes up and he brushes his thumb lightly just below your collarbone. he knows exactly where he left the marks the night before and just having him that close again had your body reacting from the small touches he was giving you. he notices the blush that’s creeped up on your face and laughs a little, leaning in close. </p><p>“what’s wrong, baby? you want it again already?” he teases, kissing along your jaw. </p><p>your breath hitches and suddenly your hands are grabbing onto his shirt for dear life. he had an effect on you that you’d never dealt with before and it drove you absolutely insane. but if you had to guess you were pretty sure you had him a little messed up too. </p><p>you can’t let him have the upper hand though as you feel yourself start to slip a little. people couldn’t see that he had the control between you two. so you pull back, planting your hands on his chest and attempting to glare at him. </p><p>“who was she, alex? that girl you took a picture with. have you slept with her too?” you ask, trying to keep a straight face as you grill him, and he rolls his eyes. </p><p>he knows this game. you played it back and forth. you put up a fight if he was talking with girls and he’d bully guys away if he caught them taking too close to you. it made for a messy, no labeled situation that neither of you were willing to give up. </p><p>“don’t start with that or i’ll drag you back to my place right now and remind you who i go home with,” he says in a low tone, causing a shiver to run down your back. </p><p>alex notices and pulls you close again, kissing your forehead. he steps away after that, ready to head back to the party. </p><p>“i’m not leaving yet so drop the attitude,” he says, throwing you a wink as he turns around. </p><p>when there were people around he never got too close, he wasn’t clingy and he didn’t pull you to sit on his lap. on the opposite, he didn’t stray far and typically kept you in his line of vision. </p><p>you did the same though, like an unspoken agreement. it was messed up, you could both admit that. but he was yours on all accounts except for actually being your boyfriend. </p><p>—</p><p>and so it continued. parties at the hockey house meant you went home with him that night, and usually you saw him a time or two during the week as well. </p><p>sometimes he’d come over to your place just to hang out and get his homework done which really got you confused on your feelings towards him. you knew it wasn’t good to let him blur the lines so much, but it was almost too late now to pull back and try to establish boundaries. </p><p>but then things did blur and the fights got worse. you used to pick small ones just for some good make up sex, but then he started to go silent on road trips, not saying a word to you until he got back to madison. and you weren’t stupid. you knew why he didn’t contact you on those trips. </p><p>you refused to ask though. you wanted to spare your heart a little longer and pretend he didn’t do the things people warned you about. he’d told you in the beginning though that he wasn’t exactly looking for commitment. you conveniently forgot that apparently. </p><p>you should have known better, but after the last road trip you picked a big fight. the “why can’t we just date” fight. he was none too pleased with that one and pushed back hard. it ended with you crying and him not saying sorry as he left. despite that, the text you get from him on friday before lunch is replied to quickly. </p><p>‘party tonight. am i gonna see you there?’ </p><p>you sigh but text him back, confirming your attendance. maybe he’d be more willing to talk things out after a drink or two. </p><p>that day passes quickly and if you’d known then what would happen that night you never would have agreed to go. you’d finally skip one of their parties and save yourself a lot of headaches and tears. </p><p>it seems like a normal night as you walk in. it’s busy, but not overflowing. you look around but can’t find alex so getting a drink becomes the primary objective. </p><p>you happen to run into owen on the way through before you can reach the kitchen. god, he was so sweet to you. he was probably everything alex wasn’t and you knew he was somewhat interested. he’d told you as much before, but he was respectful with you when you were unsure how you felt. you were unsure because you had alex. or kind of did. </p><p>he knew you and alex talked, but you both downplayed it so much that he assumed you were just friends. he pulls you in for a hug when he sees you, a big smile on his face. </p><p>“owen! how’s my favorite badgers player?” you smile, the flirting coming effortlessly between you two. </p><p>“oh i’m doing much better knowing you’re here. how have you been? i missed you,” he’s honest, and the hand he keeps on your hip is gentle. </p><p>always the opposite of how alex treated you. </p><p>“i missed you, too,” you nod, “just been so busy with classes this semester. it’s insane lately.”</p><p>“i know what you mean. hey, maybe we can go get coffee next week and knock out some homework? i don’t have practice tuesday so i’m free all afternoon,” he’s rubbing a circle on your hip with his thumb and you realize it’s a real date he’s asking you on. </p><p>he wouldn’t mind being seen in public with you. you bet he’d even hold your hand as you walked across campus. the wheels in your head are turning quickly and you wrack your brain. did alex come over on tuesdays usually? should that even matter?</p><p>“i can’t remember if i have a study group that night. can i get back to you on that?” you politely ask. </p><p>he nods, laughing a little, “of course you can. let me know what you decide though.”</p><p>you go to respond but ryder pulls him off suddenly, yelling something about a game he’s needed at while also saying hello to you all in the same breath. </p><p>you shake your head, sometimes not believing the craziness that came with those boys. you move towards the kitchen and that’s when you see it. alex has some girl pressed against the fridge and you immediately feel sick. </p><p>you’d seen him close to girls before, but not like this. your mind goes into overdrive and all you can think is how you must have pushed him to this. you wanted to know why you couldn’t be his one and only so he’d gone into flight mode. </p><p>he happens to look over, and you know it’s part of his tactic. look away and pretend he’s thinking about something before leaning in for a kiss. he’d done it to you a million times and you fell for it every. single. time. </p><p>but this time instead of leaning into you, he’s catching your stare across the kitchen. his mouth drops a little and you both freeze. he’s quick though and he leans in to kiss her before you can even process it. </p><p>your heart drops so hard you could puke and you immediately turn around, making a beeline for the door. you hear cole call your name when you push by him, hardly able to see through the tears. </p><p>you’re stupid to be crying, but the sobs that are leaving you come so quickly you can’t even try to push them down. you were so stupid. you knew better than to have picked that fight with him, and that might have been the worst part of it all. </p><p>a hand wraps around your wrist and you’re suddenly aware of alex yelling your name to get your attention. you turn around so fast your head spins. </p><p>“what the fuck do you want?” you hiss at him, not stopping the tears despite how freezing cold the wisconsin winter was around you. </p><p>“you can’t get mad about that,” he demands, looking so sure of his statement. </p><p>you scoff and shake your head, “are you kidding me? i have no right to be mad that you kissed a girl after looking right at me despite sleeping with you for the last four months. that’s golden.”</p><p>“we never had a label. i told you we couldn’t have one. it just wouldn’t work,” he tries to reason his side of things. </p><p>“and i was so stupid to put up with that,” you wipe at the tears then, the sleeves of his wisconsin hoodie absorbing them, “look at me, a fucking joke to you.”</p><p>“you’re not a joke. but you backed me into a corner this week and i can’t do that. look how much i’m already making you cry. this is what i wanted to avoid. you deserve better,” he frowns now, reaching up to wipe away some tears with his thumb. </p><p>he steps in close to you and any other time you’d push him away, but he blocks some of the cold air and you’re at least thankful for that. </p><p>“i do deserve better. you know owen asked me on a date. a real date. one that you’ve always refused to go on,” you tell him. </p><p>he nods, looking down at his shoes, “yeah i told him he should go for it.”</p><p>“you what?” you whisper. </p><p>you can’t understand that. you’d both gone so many months chasing people away from each other and fighting just to make up so you could go back to having sex. but he’d told one of his best friends to go for you. </p><p>“you deserve a guy like that. i may not even be here next year and the last thing i want is you all hung up on me while all i can do is disappoint you from la,” he explains. </p><p>you don’t know what to say to him, but your heart hurts. somewhere along the line you’d fell so much harder than you were willing to admit. </p><p>“alex, this isn’t fair,” you take a deep breath, trying to keep it together, “we had so much and you’re just going to throw it away?” </p><p>he runs a hand through his hair and shrugs, “i can’t keep doing this to you. you know i’m crazy about you, but this isn’t right.”</p><p>hearing him finally say how much he liked you out loud was a shock. you swallow hard, trying to figure out what to even say to him. </p><p>“go on that date. hang out with owen. be treated the right way, please. do it for me,” he begs. </p><p>“this is bullshit, alex. you’re trying to pawn me off because you don’t want to deal with this. you don’t want to admit that we’ve had something going for this long and now you can’t decide if you’re able to commit,” you shake your head. </p><p>you feel the anger start to bubble up and you know he’s just trying to get you to soften up. he doesn’t want you thinking he’s the bad guy. </p><p>“knock it off, you’re not throwing a tantrum on the sidewalk at 11pm because i won’t be your boyfriend,” he raises his voice a little, clenching his jaw. </p><p>“fuck you,” you whisper, “don’t you dare pin this on me right now.”</p><p>“i told you months ago that i wasn’t ready for commitment. i’m not going to be here long enough!” </p><p>“fine,” you cross your arms, taking a step back, “i’ll leave then. have fun picking up chicks that have no clue how to handle you in bed. have no clue what makes you pissed or what to do after you have a shitty game. i’m not letting you use me anymore.”</p><p>so you leave. you turn away and he doesn’t stop you this time. you keep thinking maybe he’ll come running up again but he doesn’t. </p><p>by the time you get back to your apartment you’re freezing and the tears are ready to spill out again. closing the door you slide down it, letting it all out finally. as you pull the hoodie up, trying anything to feel like you’re holding yourself together, you smell his cologne and that makes it hurt even worse. </p><p>eventually you’ve exhausted yourself and all you can manage is to get to your room, changing into pajamas and slipping into bed. </p><p>—<br/>
the pounding on your apartment door scares you awake, pulling your blankets up to your neck. there’s a slight break in the knocks so you hesitantly got up, walking into the hall. </p><p>the noise starts again and you decide to check the peephole. alex is leaning heavily on the doorframe and you immediately unlock the door. he almost falls in, barely catching the frame of the door. he looks upset and you’re not sure you’re ready for what’s coming. </p><p>“i’m sorry, baby,” he whispers, his speech slurring a bit. </p><p>you frown, looking up at him, and pulling him into the apartment. </p><p>“i don’t need you waking anyone else up,” you mumble, locking the door behind him and heading back to bed. </p><p>“wait, where are you going?” he whines, following you like a lost puppy. </p><p>you turn around in the small hallway and he runs right into you. you put your hands on his hips to stop him and a stupid smirk takes over his features. </p><p>“can’t keep your hands off me? i like it,” he says. </p><p>you shake your head, unfortunately feeling yourself lose some of the anger you had earlier for him. he’s a little drunk, but you know his levels by now. he’s lost his filter, but he’ll absolutely remember this in the morning. </p><p>“why are you here, alex?” you ask gently. </p><p>he takes a deep breath and reaches for your hands, playing with your fingers, “i didn’t like watching you walk away from me. that hurt.”</p><p>“it hurt me too, bub. i hate fighting with you,” you mumble, looking up at him. </p><p>“i don’t want you to date owen, but i don’t want you to be sad either. i’m signing my entry level when our season is over.”</p><p>his words make your heart race. you were excited for him, of course, but this meant he really was leaving. </p><p>“i don’t want to lose you. i really like you,” he says. </p><p>“i like you, too. a lot. but i can’t keep letting you play with my emotions like this. i need you in or out, and if you’re worried about leaving then maybe we should be out,” you say, even though the words hurt. </p><p>he chews on his bottom lip, obviously thinking hard about it. he knows it’s selfish to try and keep you when he’ll be gone, but he can’t stand the thought of you not being his either. </p><p>“i’m in. i know we haven’t done this the right way, but please let me stick around. you’re my favorite person,” he finally says, smiling a little. </p><p>you poke the dimple on his right cheek and laugh. you hadn’t exactly expected that to be his answer, but you definitely weren’t complaining either. </p><p>“yeah, i don’t think i’d mind keeping you around. you’re pretty cute after all,” you joke. </p><p>he rolls his eyes playfully, pulling you into a big hug. it’s easy to bury your face in his chest then, knowing he finally plans to take things seriously. </p><p>“so does my girlfriend think she’ll be able to fly to la and watch me play?” he asks. </p><p>you look up at him and nod, “can’t miss my boyfriend’s first game in the nhl. i’ll be there.”</p><p>he leans down and kisses you gently, taking his time. la sounded pretty nice, but having alex all to yourself sounded even better.</p>
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